“You are a failure”, my grandfather recently told me with sad eyes. The one who told me stories, the one who meant most to me as a child, the one who taught me that the essence of life is to never break someone’s heart, and when he said this… I broke down.
But then I too had broken someone’s trust, of my wife and my loved ones and most importantly myself. It’s been nine months since my wife I and got separated. I still cringe to use the word ‘divorce’, as the word for me means that something has broken, something has died. We have known each other for 16 years, can all the love, warmth and friendship suddenly die one day, as if nothing really ever existed? Nothing breaks, it only changes form, my heart tells me and I believe it.
Why did we separate? It’s difficult to answer, we can point at the trigger which made it happen but underneath when we look into the roots we see a larger scheme of life. The trigger was, I fell in love with someone else while I was in my marriage, I realised I was living a lie, and in this process I am hurting the person most who is closest to me. I could not see in the eye of of my 4 year old daughter, how could I tell her to follow her heart when I was myself too ashamed to accept mine. I was never ashamed of loving but I did felt tremendous guilt and shame of being an incomplete husband and with this acceptance I could just hope that I can at least try to be better friend to her.
“You are my Shakti”, I would often tell her, knowing me better than myself, holding me in my every fall, walking with me in my every step and loving me more than I could love myself. But deeply I felt that we were beautiful friends and the relationship of husband and wife felt a lie. The time had come to say goodbye, goodbye to old relationship and emergence of something new.
The friend I fell in love with is also no longer with me, a beautiful soul who came to show me my path and left as I accepted my truth. My Truth, which I am still exploring..every moment..from being a wanderer to a pilgrim, going from one place to another.
There have been moments of deep anxiety, chaos, sadness and depression. I felt lost and alone, judged my self and others, I felt I had lost everything I knew, with no ground to stand on. Couldn’t face my parents or friends, had I lost it I would often ask myself and yet deep down I knew I was following a little voice which asked me to walk this path, to break all my images, to die before death and embrace my heart’s truth.
In all this pain, I felt deeply held by my parents, who couldn’t understand me but won’t give up on me, my elders, family and friends who held my hand through out silently without judgments and most importantly my wife, who inspite of her own deepest pain, said to me “go madhu, go in love and in truth.” Through all of them I was beginning to learn what it means to love unconditionally without trying to possess someone. With no exit strategy.
My biggest teacher I felt was my little Daughter, who I believed could directly look into my soul. ‘When you miss me, touch your heart and you will find me there’, I told her as I left home for the first time, and since then I have felt more closer to her even with all the physical distances.
Love came in my life several times and each time I chased them away, feeling unworthy. A deep conditioning possibly due to my childhood. At the age of five, I went to boarding school for better education and thus I am always afraid that people would leave me and thus I would leave them first as an inbuilt defence mechanism. I still find it hard to believe, when someone expresses his or her love to me. I don’t know what life holds for me, but I have immense trust in our sacred interconnection.
Why am I sharing all this ? Because I don’t want to be afraid anymore, I want to look in the eye of my pain, in the eyes of my loved ones, in the eyes of everyone I meet and in my own eyes… in truth and in love.
Failure is good, maybe what my grandfather meant was ‘Its good that you have failed, so now you can start again, learn to open your heart again and learn to love again, without holding back.’
My heart reminds me again and again, ‘Nothing breaks, nothing separates, we will all keep meeting each other in one form or the another, completing each other with love..in love’.